Wednesday, June 27, 2012

The Sex Lives of The Minuscule

Oh no guys, it's that time of year again. The return of the fruit fly. I can't even begin to tell you how much I hate those lil buggers! Every year it's the same thing! Summer comes, and you think to yourself "oh yay, lets get some watermelon, have some sangria, and do all sorts of jovial summer activities!" Well watch out, cause every slice of watermelon, every sip of sangria, and every squirt of ketchup on your hotdog is just begging to be preyed upon by those insatiable fruit flies. It's always the same story, "Oh you cleaned your kitchen counters right after cooking? Well you missed a microscopic drop of juice so I'm gonna lay 6,000 eggs on it and take over your kitchen in a matter of hours." Or god forbid you have a few too many glasses of wine and go to bed without rinsing your glass! They'll have the run of the place before you even wake up! No seriously I'm not exaggerating. They are insatiable and their whole lives consist of eating your food and mating on it.

It's not a joke. Those lil dudes eat and have sex more than you can even imagine. Interestingly enough their courtship rituals look quite familiar. 

It starts innocently enough, a short dinner date on your fresh new banana where male courts female. This is followed by drinks at her place (i.e. the juice you spilled on the counter), and then comes the fun part! He warms her up with a little oral action and finally gets to home base when BAM, he's rejected. Sounds like your everyday dating ritual to me. I mean at least she doesn't eat him like some other species. Although to be honest I wish she would, cause lets not forget, this ritual is happening on my food! It would be nice if it ended there, but lucky for you guys I know what happens next. The female fruit flies are an easy bunch. They'll spend the next few hours doing the same thing with multiple other males, while saving the best till last since he'll be most likely to father the children. Considering the life span comparison it sounds eerily close to the dating life a human female. Date many men, save the best for last (i.e marriage).  

Anyways, my plan to cock block those lil jerks hasn't been going so well. You know the drill, fill a glass with juice, cover it with plastic wrap riddled with tiny holes, and they will enter and never return! Unfortunately I made one hole too big and have essentially been providing them with enough glucose to fuel their frequent romps in my food... Dear god, I have promoted a fruit fly orgy in my very kitchen. Ugh, did I mention I hate fruit flies with their easy females and horny male population? Greedy buggers.


Note: Credit for the fruit fly mating behaviour photo to Pearson Education :)

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Humans Who Make Me Angry Vs. Animals Who Make Me Happy

Hi all,

So lately I have been doing some pretty awesome work and I'm super happy about the whole thing. My days are spent with lil guys like this...

That's Kyle, he is the first lil squirrel I have had the pleasure of caring for :). Now I’m not gonna lie people have always told me working with animals is pointless. People figure if you’re not a vet it’s not worth it. To this day I'm told, “You realize there’s no money in it right?” Yeah I do, thanks. While I’m not naïve, and I realize that money can in fact buy a bit of happiness. I do feel that it’s not the most important thing, and if you do I’m quite certain you'll never be fully happy. With the ‘money matters most’ attitude no matter how much you make, it will never be enough. 

Lately some people have been asking, "what are your plans when you're done school/what are you goals in life/how much will you make when you're done" etc. Now to be completely honest I think the people grilling me like this feel their path is monumentally more important than mine. Which makes me laugh. I mean this is the type of person who feels they need to list all their accomplishments to me within the first 5 minutes I've met them. Believe me, no one cares that much, and dominating the conversation while trying to belittle others is not a good way to make friends. All I have to say is be careful. There's this thing called modesty that a lot of others possess, and you may in fact be making a fool of yourself by preaching to someone who knows better.

Point is, people need to stop judging those with different ideas/goals than their own. Money and status are not everything. I'm by no means a hippie, but money hungry status climbers make me nauseous. It just seems we're so quick to find differences in each other, or to prove that we're better or right. When in reality none of that shit even matters if you're not happy. 

So let me answer those questions that some people so desperately need answered in order to categorize me. 

1) What are your plans when you're done school?

- Get a job helping animals and the environment in a way that I feel will make a difference for both myself and future mini me's. Yes I do realize the government is making cuts in those areas, but I also know that with the right combination of confidence, education, and passion it's possible to get paid doing what I love. 

2) What are your goals in life?

- To stay happy and healthy

3) How much will you make when you're done?

- Probably not much, but definitely more than I need to get by. 

So go ahead and place me in whatever category is necessary to make you feel better about yourself, but know this. I am happy right now. I have an incredible guy who loves the shit out of me, two super cute fur babies, amazing friends, and the most recent addition: an incredible job. I spend my days doing something I truly love. Let's be honest, if you know me at all then you realize I kind of like animals better than people. There are a few human exceptions, but I assure you they are few and far between. Obviously this means that a summer filled with animals, especially baby ones, is pretty much my dream. Dream fulfilled. I've been lucky enough to spend my summer helping raise and release some awesome wildlife. So to lighten the mood after my mini rant  here are a few of the reasons my summer has been so great! 

                            Squirrel Burrito :)


Bebe Fox!

Ready to head out!

                                 My lil bunny

Hangin' out

Too cute for words

Disclaimer: No animals were harmed in the making of this blog. Despite the cages they are in fact getting ready to head back out where they belong. 


Sunday, June 3, 2012

Sexy Summer Bod?

Hey all,

So I'm not sure if you know, but I'm kinda getting old...

This comic is true, literally all my friends are getting married, having kids and *gasp* growing up. Ew. I'm still in school and don't have a real job. I hear when you turn 25 you have to start using anti-aging face creams, worrying about what you eat, and working out like a crazy person. Ugh. Sounds terrible.

I've been lucky so far in keeping my young looks, but last week I didn't get ID'ed at the liquor store.  Seriously, the woman didn't even think twice about it! Gasp, does that mean I look over 17 now?! How sad.

As a result of this depressing realization I have decided to start working out. I bought some weights, a pair of Lulu's and signed myself up for an 8-week workout program. I looked the part, so the rest was bound to be easy right? Not so much, all I have to say is "Dear god, why is working out so damn hard?" I am sooo out of shape. No seriously you guys, science tells me humans were built for endurance but if that's the case, I may not be human... It's so bad that I am forced to work out in my living room to avoid the embarrassment of my terrible ability to do ANY kind of work out.

Of course I am with the most athletic guy I have ever met. Run to the other end of the city? Bang out a few back flips? Continue with some bboy sets? No problem, he's all over that shit. I give myself 2 weeks to be at the same level. Should be a cinch!


Thursday, January 5, 2012

My Top 3

Hey all,

So I rarely feel the need to write about serious things but am feeling inspired as things around me are changing at a rapid pace. I wanted to explore what got me to where I am, so I've decided to put together a top three life changing moments. There is gonna be a fair amount of sap in these next few paragraphs so if you are allergic to mushy feelings and nice things, click the back button now. Otherwise sit back and get to know me a bit more.

1) Car accident the summer of 2006.

Yup I was sitting right there on the passenger side. Lucky me, huh? I won't get into all the gory details of the injuries sustained, but lets just say I was broken. I don't actually remember the accident or even the next week or so, but the experience still had a major effect on my life. To this day I have problems with my knees, my hand, my lungs, and have major anxiety when driving in a car. The fact that it happened still makes me angry sometimes. I get mad when I think about the fact that I have been using my knee brace increasingly more often, and will most likely develop arthritis far before I should. I hate the fact that I haven't been able to drive a car once since I moved to Montreal and that I am the worst passenger in the world because of my anxiety. I hate that I have scars that won't go away. I hate that I don't have proper turnout in dance class because of the rods in my leg. And I fucking hate that I cant open a stupid jar of salsa.

There are lots of things that suck about that moment in my life, but I also think it's the main reason I am where I am today. It was this shitty circumstance that allowed me to move to Halifax with my best friend and have the best summer of my life! It was that summer that I met the most important person in my life today. Which leads me to number 2...

2) Meeting the love of my life

Now let me set the stage for some serious romance here...

There I was on the outskirts of the sticky nightclub dance floor, strobe lights flashing, smoke machines blowing, empty shot glasses to my right, and a new JT track pumping from the speakers. Suddenly I spot him, a brown haired hottie dancing with a bunch of girls. Girls I obviously felt did not deserve his attention seeing as I approached with this gem of a pick up line, "So I was just wondering when you were gonna dance with me?". God I was smooth, who could resist such a beautiful pick up line? Obviously not this guy. From what I'm told the night was just a blur of romance, deep conversation, and love at first sight. Or dance floor groping, make out sessions, and him buying my friend and I water without vodka. Same thing...

Okay so maybe the first meeting was a little more Jersey Shore than The Notebook, but since then its been all love and kittens. Honestly though, I couldn't be more lucky. This guy treats me like a princess and loves me in a way I only thought possible in the movies. I didn't know there were actually people as nice as this guy. I would never use the word perfect, because let's face it there really is no such thing. But damn does he come close! And those dimples... *Sigh*

I won't go all over the top lovey dovey on you all so I'll stop here.

But good god I love that boy.

3) Moving to Montreal

After a year of long distance I finally made the trek to Montreal to live with that cute boy with the dimples. How cliché eh? Girl meets boy, girl drops life and runs to be with boy. I'll have you know, I finished my degree and then move to be with him. Can you blame me though? Long distance is hard. Like really hard, but we made it work and since I came here things have been even better. Not only has my move to Montreal strengthened my relationship, but it has also changed me as a person. I am definitely not the same person I was 3 years ago when I first came here. I showed up in Montreal a small town girl terrified of everyone who lived here. The first time I went on the metro I was sure I was being followed. Although to this day I still believe that to be true! It was crazy to me that I could walk down the street without stopping to talk to at least three people I know. I never knew what language to speak because no one spoke the same one. I was scared to take the bus, and shopping was a terrible experience with far too many options and a terribly scary amount of people. I was a lost little girl.

Nevertheless I am now proud to say I have grown into a full blown city girl. I can navigate the public transit system like a pro, and now know that it's appropriate to put your headphones on and ignore every single person you pass. However, I am still true to my small town roots and am polite even when I don't need to be. Believe me you're allowed to be rude, sometimes it's even necessary! I mean I still complain about rude people, and pushing on the metro, but sometimes its just survival! Really.

What I like about living in Montreal is the culture. Let's be honest guys, everyone in P.E.I looks the same, and for the most part thats the way everyone likes it. I'm glad I've been able to see a new perspective on life, and really appreciate the way other people live. I've met people here from all over the world, heard countless languages, and have learned to love cuisine I didn't know even existed.

I'll always love P.E.I. The beaches, the seafood, the friendly people, my family, and of course the potatoes. However I am fine without the gossip, the rumours, the cold, and the teeny tiny mall! P.E.I will always be my home and will forever be the place I go to catch a cold, and drink too much. But without Montreal I wouldn't have incredible sushi, an amazing dance scene, and amazing new friends.

Remember the name.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

I hear they comin for me, because the top is lonely.

Hey Guys!

So I just got back from Tampa where I was living for three months doing things like this:

Making friends with cool guys like this:

And making more amazing friends like this:
*Some important ladiess missing due to lack of photo, but I still love you!

You know when you do something super cool, and you're a little bit like "aw I don't wanna tell people how great it was because I don't wanna brag"? 

Well too bad. Im gonna brag.

I lived in Tampa for three months, not just a little seven day all inclusive. I lived there. I fed Tigers and Lions. I trained Ocelots. I gave Binturongs marshmallow treats. I carried a Cougar. I witnessed a Serval eat his food with his paw.  I got over my fear of birds and spiders (except for ninja spiders). And I made friends with the coolest people in America, while avoiding the douchy-est people in America. 

This summer honestly has made me into a different person. Well maybe not different, but better. I know it sounds crazy, I mean I was always a cool chick, but now I am literally the cool chick. True story. I have come back from this experience funnier, smarter, cooler, and sexier than ever. Or at least that's how I feel. Since I came home I feel on top of the world, literally like nothing else matters because I am most likely the luckiest person alive. And most definitely the happiest person alive.

So many people I have crossed paths with have told me I'm on the wrong path, that I'll never make it doing what I want to do. To those people I have two little words... 

You're Wrong.

I've come a long way from the small town girl who was scared to be alone staying in a relationship because I needed someone, to moving to a new city and staying in a relationship because I love someone. 

I love who I am turning into, and appreciate who I used to be. So as I take my seat at the top make sure all you haters have a good spot and enjoy the view! ;) 

xoxo, Jessie

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

The Dreaded UDI

Hey all,

So its no secret that I like to throw back 1 or 2 vodka waters every now and then, 8 or 9 if its been a hard week, or on a special occasion. As it was a Saturday night it was most definitely a special occasion which prompted me to amp up my night and make it a very special 10 vodka water night. Yes, 10. Surprisingly enough I made it out unscathed, little to no embarassement, zero fights with the boyfriend, and spent the majority of the evening dancing the night away. All the components of an extremely good night according to this beautifull girl's standards.

At least thats what I thought until I woke up the next day, hopped in the shower and saw this lovely thing on my leg...

Yup, the dreaded UDI. Being that my blog audience is about my age im guessing you all know what a UDI is, but for the rest of you lovelies I offer you this short explanation.

Unidentified Drunken Injury (UDI): A bruise, cut, scratch, or any other physical injury discovered the morning after a night out for which you have no explanation. This lack of explanation is often due to the all too familiar alcohol haze.

Being the control freak that I am I couldn't deal with the fact that I had been completely oblivious to such an aggressive violation of my body. Please spare me the sexual jokes, I am aware of how that sounds...And believe it or not I am not exaggerating! This bruise literally goes from above my ankle all the way up to the top  of my thigh (the picture doesn't quite capture the true horror of it all, just the major damage point).

This lack of explanation was really getting to me so I invoked the talents of my childhood friend Nancy Drew and began my quest for the truth. The size and shape of the most prominent part of the bruise clearly indicated  a circular object had caused this blunt trauma. Its quick and extensive spreading indicated a high impact strike, or multiple traumas (a theory I quickly threw out as there is clearly one single impact point). So now that I was aware of the nature of the injury I replayed the night in my head only to instantly remember being fallen on by an overly drunken lush. Now to be clear, I normally don't throw around this word so casually. Therefore, it must be mentioned that I use this label in response to previous interactions with said female and not solely due to the injury sustained by her ridiculous state. A state in which she finds her self more often than not by the way.

Anyways enough about her this blog is about me, and being that bloggers are known to be intrinsically self-absorbed I'd like to keep it that way. Although I don't normally relate to this specific stereotype, when I am hurt I want people to feel bad for me. That might be a direct contradiction...whatever this its turning into a huge tangent...I apologize.

Getting back on track. I now distinctly remember this girl dancing up on a stage, or a chair, or something lushy like that, and completely wiping out while kicking the back of my leg with her very appropriate huge boots. Obviously I was too busy busting a move with the super sexy guy who was clearly into me, in other words, dancing with my boyfriend, to even notice the pain. And so it was in that moment that the infamous UDI came to be.

Yup, after all that build up and investigation, that's it... I was kicked by a lush with hooker boots.

For those of you worried about my physical well being, although I limped a bit (maybe a slight exaggeration on my part) and it still hurts, it is healing well and I am no longer terrified that I will get a blood clot, or deep vein thrombosis when I fly. Great progress!


Monday, December 6, 2010

Jersey Shore, How I love thee...

Hey all!

Hope you all had a great weekend, yay to the first snowstorm! I will hate it in a week so I'm gonna milk this time when I enjoy it...Anyways on to day three:

A Picture of the cast of your favorite TV show:

At first I thought this was a hard one, but then when I thought about it seriously I thought to myself "C'mon Jess! you spend your nights watching MTV reality and there is really one show that is worth it!" 

Jersey Shore. My guilty pleasure. My relief after a full week of schoolwork. How I love thee. 

I would like to take this opportunity to explain why I think Jersey Shore is the shit:

1) I would LOVE to spend a night out in Jersey, or Miami, fist pumping with Vinny to Pauly D's beats (interpret this how you want).
2) I wanna run around in my wife beater while I pre-drink until it is officially "T-shirt tiiiiime" (said in my best Pauly D voice)
3) I need to meet Jenni so I can ask her who did her breasts. They are fabulous, and if you read my last few posts you know I am fixin' to get a pair myself
4) I want to run around in my slippers with Snooki after a night of telling the Situation we are grown women who can stay out and party as long as we want.
5) I would love to get a chance to spin some records with DJ Pauly D. I've got skills and think we would make a great one night team.
6) The other two will just make out with each other in the corner, and that is fine with me. Nice couple though!
7) Last but not least...I enjoy Jersey Shore because Vinny is B-E-A-utiful, and I am super DTS!

So there you have it, Jersey Shore = Best TV show on the air. Hands Down.