Monday, December 6, 2010

Jersey Shore, How I love thee...

Hey all!

Hope you all had a great weekend, yay to the first snowstorm! I will hate it in a week so I'm gonna milk this time when I enjoy it...Anyways on to day three:

A Picture of the cast of your favorite TV show:

At first I thought this was a hard one, but then when I thought about it seriously I thought to myself "C'mon Jess! you spend your nights watching MTV reality and there is really one show that is worth it!" 

Jersey Shore. My guilty pleasure. My relief after a full week of schoolwork. How I love thee. 

I would like to take this opportunity to explain why I think Jersey Shore is the shit:

1) I would LOVE to spend a night out in Jersey, or Miami, fist pumping with Vinny to Pauly D's beats (interpret this how you want).
2) I wanna run around in my wife beater while I pre-drink until it is officially "T-shirt tiiiiime" (said in my best Pauly D voice)
3) I need to meet Jenni so I can ask her who did her breasts. They are fabulous, and if you read my last few posts you know I am fixin' to get a pair myself
4) I want to run around in my slippers with Snooki after a night of telling the Situation we are grown women who can stay out and party as long as we want.
5) I would love to get a chance to spin some records with DJ Pauly D. I've got skills and think we would make a great one night team.
6) The other two will just make out with each other in the corner, and that is fine with me. Nice couple though!
7) Last but not least...I enjoy Jersey Shore because Vinny is B-E-A-utiful, and I am super DTS!

So there you have it, Jersey Shore = Best TV show on the air. Hands Down.


Monday, November 22, 2010

Day 2: If you don't know, now you know. Bitches.

Hey all,

So about that 30 day challenge thing i said i'd do..... I never promised it would be 30 consecutive days! Anyways I' ve been nipple deep in papers and exams as there are 2 weeks left in the semester, and my immune system decided to take a break. This always happens at the end of November,Oh hello chest cold! right on time as always. Why is it you can always count on the bad things to be on time, while you wait for the good things forever! Anyways you get the point, i'm busy and sick. But i've put together day two, here goes.

Day 2: A picture of you and the person you've been closest with the longest

So I feel as though this was a pretty obvious choice. There are a few friends who I've known for 20+ years (god that makes me feel old) but you can't argue the fact that we have all been closest to our mom's the longest. Not only have I known her for my full 25 years on this earth, but I also spent 9 months in her belly, and I think it's safe to say we knew each other during that time. Sorry to disappoint any of my other friends and relatives, but you really had no chance considering my Mom had a 9 month headstart.

All jokes aside my mother is the best person in the world. Believe me I know. Sure I am biased, but I bet there are at least 4 other people who would agree with me. How many mom's do you know listen to Eminem, and Snoop Dog? I'm sure there are a few, but most of those are the "I try really hard to look cool for my kids" type. My mom listens to this music on the sly. To be honest she will probably kill me for outing her here. So obviously she isn't doing it to be "the cool mom". Everyone hates that mom, ugh. Also my mom doesn't drink, but is ironically a sommelier and knows everything about wine. Which is helpful on the off chance I decide to stray from my usual 9$ depanneur wine.  Theres also all that other sappy, she supports me, and understands me, and really super loves me alot stuff, but I'm sure you dont wanna hear any of that. 

Basically my mom's the shit. If you don't know, now you know....bitches.


Friday, November 12, 2010

30 Days Of Truth: Day 1

Hey there,
So as most of you know I am normally a very witty, creative, and sociable person. These days, however, I have had to turn myself into a very serious, left-brained homebody. This transformation was not completely voluntary, well actually that’s a lie. I took it upon myself to return to university and having been there before I knew exactly what to expect. Don’t get me wrong, I love school, but I miss the creative me. Specifically, I miss writing…a lot. And not the kind of writing my science lit class requires (don’t get me started on that). Anyways, the purpose of my little rant is so you can give me some sympathy. I have left you (all seven of you) without an update for far too long, and to be honest I don’t see an opening in my schedule for any real creativity anytime soon. So I have taken to something very cliché, “the 30 days of truth”. I know, I know, how overdone right? Well bare with me, I’ll do my best to insert a bit of originality throughout. So sit back and learn a little about me, I’m more interesting than you think. I promise!


1) My biggest dream is to live and work outside of Canada. I would like to work with an animal        sanctuary working towards preserving endangered species in the wild. Yeah that’s right, this city girl wants to live in the wild!

2) I admire my boyfriend. He is the most talented, driven, hard-working, loving, and caring person I have ever met. I hope to be half of what he is.

3) I have made more mistakes in my life than I would like to admit. The incidence of these mistakes however, has significantly dropped within the last 2 years (things have really been put into perspective since I’ve moved away from my hometown).

4) I miss my best friend back home every day. Life is not the same without her around.

5) I LOVE to dance. Love love love it :)

6) You know how its super annoying when someone answers the question, “what kind of music do you like?” with “everything”? Well I do that, but it’s true! You’ll find everything from Souls of Mischief to Mozart to Chromeo on my playlist.

7) When no one is home I sing constantly, like so much that sometimes I can see that my cat is even annoyed. Mostly I sing Aretha Franklin, Jan Arden, Melissa Ethridge, and any and all power ballads. Oh and I rap to myself… a lot. I have some seriously good flow.

8) Don’t judge me but…I would really like breast implants. I know most people don’t like them (my boyfriend included) but I have wanted them since I was like 16, and haven’t changed my mind yet. I even find myself researching doctors, and lots of before and after pictures. Hmm maybe that means something else…

9) I am really easily amused, and I love that about myself. Things are always fun! Although I’m aware that sometimes I come across as someone who trys too hard, because Im always laughing….but I can assure you, I really do think everything is that funny!

10) I secretly want to be one of those girls who has hair extensions, always has her makeup done, and is always dressed to the nines. I also know I will never be like that. I have better things to do with those 2 extra hours in the morning…Namely, my boyfriend.

11) Ever since I started noticing the opposite sex I have wanted to date a dancer. Ask any of my friends, I’ve always thought a guy who could dance was the sexiest. This could be the reason the first time I met, and kissed Marc was on a dance floor. I’m a sucker for a guy who can move...

12) I almost died a few years ago. Like spent time in ICU, it’s a waiting game almost died. I still have too many scars, and pain more often than I would like, but I am forever grateful to be here. My life has gotten exponentially better since that day.

13) I have a somewhat secret and deep love for gangster rap music. I listen to it and rap all the time, I know all the lyrics. It puts me in a good mood. I also very much enjoy very dirty sexual lyrics, they amuse me and I also sing them loud and proud. When I’m alone or with a select few people. Quick quiz...who can name this song? "speed bad the clit, leave it black and blue"?....C'mon Kels I know you love that lyric! :p

14) America’s funniest home videos is still the funniest show on TV. I laugh myself to tears everytime I watch it. It’s mean but I cannot NOT laugh when people fall, it’s hilarious. Everytime!

15) I am terrified of driving, but really want a mini cooper. Seems too small to be safe though. Hmmm, I feel like that thought has crossed my mind in the past...


Monday, September 13, 2010

Ouch, my ego hurts!

Hey guys!

I have a confession to make. A big one. One that made even me stop and think. I, Jessica Ward, am not good at everything. I know, I know its a lot to take in all at once. Ill give you a moment to let it sink in......................
Alright so that's not even the end, not only am I not good at everything, I'm actually REALLY bad at something. Something that I cant really afford to be bad at. Something necessary and needed, especially at this stage of my life. Well *deep breath* here it is...I am bad at math. Like, REALLY bad at math...
I've always known numbers were my downfall, to this day I'm convinced the only reason I passed grade 12 math was because my teacher saw my other grades and decided keeping me back for one class was unfair. I mean, she handed me my report card saying "you owe me one"...  Anyways, I thought I was done with math, that is until I decided to go back to school to get a second degree. A second science degree that involves that beautiful subject math. Not only calculus and stats, but also lots of wonderful chemistry equations! Now I know sarcasm does not always translate well through the written word so let me be clear here. Those nice adjectives i just used to describe math...sarcasm. Hardcore sarcasm

If you think of me as a smart woman (ie if you are my father), stop reading here because it's about to get worse. Okay, so I realized I needed to brush up on some of my math skills and did what any person my age would, looked it up on youtube. I started off with basic calculus tutoring, easy enough right? Grade 12 math is nothing a person with a BSc can't handle. Wrong. I was lost within the 1st two minute introduction. You see where this is going?! I had to go back to basic grade 8 math! I am hanging my head in shame right now. As a university student, a Mcgill university student, I'm supposed to be smart! My ego is still throbbing in pain thinking about sitting in my room watching a basic algebra tutorial so I could do my chemistry assignment.
My brain and numbers are not definitely not on speaking terms. Which leaves me playing referee using the following persuasion techniques:
ME: "c'mon brain, I know math has wronged you in the past but if you can learn to get along it will be very beneficial for you! I guarantee"
BRAIN: "I dunno, I'm still hurt from how he made me feel last time we hung out. Has he changed?"
ME: "No...math will always be the same guy. He stands firm in his ways..."

At which point Math usually interrupts letting my brain know ...
"c'mon baby, you'll love hanging out again! I'm always hard for you AND I'll keep you up all night long!"

Lucky for math my brain responds strongly to mental foreplay and she has decided to give him another go! It all starts tomorrow. Wish us luck, breaking up and getting back together has never really worked for us before...

xoxo Jessie

Monday, September 6, 2010

Transit Etiquette

Hey all,

So Ive been in Montreal for 2 years now, and during this time I have taken my fair share of public transit. In this time I have realized how important "transit etiquette"is. I like to think I have very good transit etiquette, but I wish I could say the same for the most-part of my fellow Montrealers... It would be easy for me to rant about this for the entire afternoon, just ask my poor boyfriend who hears about it everyday (he's actually the one who suggested I write a blog about it. Maybe he's hoping this will get it out of my system for good).

I have decided to narrow down my little vent to a few certain types that really grate on my last nerve. So let's get this started...

1)The lazy bastards: You're sitting there at the front of the bus, and in comes...
a) an elderly person
b) a pregnant woman
c) a person with crutches, knee brace, etc...
Your response? Stare at the floor like you didn't see them so you can continue sitting without looking like a bastard. Don't kid yourself bud, we all saw you look up and quickly look to the floor. I know you saw them, just get your lazy butt up and offer your seat. Sure you may be tired, but it's good for your karma...just get up!
Now I know that it's not always a simple task, and I too am one of the ppl who ask themselves, "is that person really old? is she pregnant, or just a little fat?" I know how touchy of a subject it is, but here is a simple solution...Just get up and stand without saying anything. Better to give your seat up to the chubby chick then to look like the jerk who won't stand for the pregnant lady.

2) The Rosa Parks syndrome: It's 2010 ladies and gentlemen, we are past the days when the front of the bus was reserved. I don't care if your black, white, brown, 4 years old, 7 feet tall, or horizontally challenged, take your butt to the back of the bus!!! You see all those people in line to get on the bus? Yeah those people have somewhere to be too! You parking your inconsiderate ass at the front of the bus so we all have to squeeze past to stand at the back where there's room for at least 10 more people makes me want to throat punch you.

3) The Eager Beavers: Alright
so this is for all of you people standing directly in front of the metro door when it stops. Lets
think about this for a moment. Yes I am fully aware the door stays open for a limited amount of time, but you see all those people inside the metro? They need to get out! Some of us are polite, and would rather not have to push you out of our way just so that we can exit the metro. So to you narcissistic, me first personalities standing in my way when I get out, I am gonna
give you a reason to get out of my way...
The more people that can get off before you get on equals more room for your large ego filled head to find a seat. :)
On a side note, if you are in the metro and everyone behind you is trying to get off, could you kindly step off the metro to make room? I guarantee you that you will be able to get back on before the door shuts. I promise :) If you get locked out I will buy you a consolation cookie and wipe your tears. Also, check out the picture I have provided! Those lovely people at the STM have decided enough is enough and have kindly provided you with bright yellow directions. Please use them.

Although there are many more things I could say about my public transit experiences I feel I have provided the basics of transit etiquette. Use these helpful tips and your fellow travellers will no doubt be less aggravated and therefore nicer to you. Public transit saves the environment, so lets all stand up, move to the back, and get out of the way all in the name of monther earth. Oh and my sanity.

xoxo Jessie

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Cashing In On The Goods

Hey there,

So for those of you who don’t know I have a slightly new job these days. Its extremely glamorous, high end, and Im pretty sure ill be famous for it soon. I am a Fit Model. Yeah you heard me right, a MODEL. Take that ugly jr high and high school years, in your face!

Okay reality check. The title may be a bit misleading. A fit model doesn’t actually walk the runway or get to be the face of a company. She is more like a human mannequin, which ironically is the french word for model (im reaching I know). Basically I have the body measurements of a “perfect” small, and therefore they use my body to fit clothing to the body. I use the word perfect very lightly here for the simple fact that they only let me fit for tops. Ive been told Im too bootylicious for them (I will forever love beyonce for making that word available to me). I am constantly hearing “oui mais elle est plus forte aux hanches” or “n’oublie pas qu’elle a un pouce de plus!”. Although this appears to be my main “flaw” (ive inserted sarcastic quotations, as I believe it is an asset…no pun intended) it is far from the only. Depending on who I am fitting with I can hear a large range of things from “but doesn’t she have a tiny waist? I heard she’s a small small” or “didn’t you know she has a high apex”. (Fun fact: Your apex is the length from your shoulder to your nipple) and even “Yes but shes a dancer so she stands like this” at which point someone will often get into an awkward first position. It’s super amusing. I really enjoy the people I work with. I know that sounds sarcastic, but its actually not.

In retrospect all of this kind of reminds me of my life in jr highwhen I used to hear things like, “Jess’ pants are too tight did you see how much her butt sicks out, ew” or “I bet she doesn’t even eat, look how skinny she is!” and my all time favorite “yeah she might have a nice bum, but where are her boobs?!” But to be honest I take it all with a grain of salt, I mean if the worse they have to say is that my bum is too round and my boobs are too high….Im not complaining! Whats small doesn’t fall right!

All kidding aside, I was always told I had a body that could make me some cash, and when the stripping didn’t work out I thought they were wrong…But look at me now, cashing in on the good once again, and this time its legit! ;)

xoxo, Jessie