The Sex Lives of The Minuscule

Oh no guys, it's that time of year again. The return of the fruit fly. I can't even begin to tell you how much I hate those lil buggers! Every year it's the same thing! Summer comes, and you think to yourself "oh yay, lets get some watermelon, have some sangria, and do all sorts of jovial summer activities!" Well watch out, cause every slice of watermelon, every sip of sangria, and every squirt of ketchup on your hotdog is just begging to be preyed upon by those insatiable fruit flies. It's always the same story, "Oh you cleaned your kitchen counters right after cooking? Well you missed a microscopic drop of juice so I'm gonna lay 6,000 eggs on it and take over your kitchen in a matter of hours." Or god forbid you have a few too many glasses of wine and go to bed without rinsing your glass! They'll have the run of the place before you even wake up! No seriously I'm not exaggerating. They are insatiable and their whole lives consist of eating your food and mating on it.

It's not a joke. Those lil dudes eat and have sex more than you can even imagine. Interestingly enough their courtship rituals look quite familiar. 

It starts innocently enough, a short dinner date on your fresh new banana where male courts female. This is followed by drinks at her place (i.e. the juice you spilled on the counter), and then comes the fun part! He warms her up with a little oral action and finally gets to home base when BAM, he's rejected. Sounds like your everyday dating ritual to me. I mean at least she doesn't eat him like some other species. Although to be honest I wish she would, cause lets not forget, this ritual is happening on my food! It would be nice if it ended there, but lucky for you guys I know what happens next. The female fruit flies are an easy bunch. They'll spend the next few hours doing the same thing with multiple other males, while saving the best till last since he'll be most likely to father the children. Considering the life span comparison it sounds eerily close to the dating life a human female. Date many men, save the best for last (i.e marriage).  


Anyways, my plan to cock block those lil jerks hasn't been going so well. You know the drill, fill a glass with juice, cover it with plastic wrap riddled with tiny holes, and they will enter and never return! Unfortunately I made one hole too big and have essentially been providing them with enough glucose to fuel their frequent romps in my food... Dear god, I have promoted a fruit fly orgy in my very kitchen. Ugh, did I mention I hate fruit flies with their easy females and horny male population? Greedy buggers.


Jessica


Note: Credit for the fruit fly mating behaviour photo to Pearson Education :)

Humans Who Make Me Angry Vs. Animals Who Make Me Happy

Hi all,

So lately I have been doing some pretty awesome work and I'm super happy about the whole thing. My days are spent with lil guys like this...

That's Kyle, he is the first lil squirrel I have had the pleasure of caring for :). Now I’m not gonna lie people have always told me working with animals is pointless. People figure if you’re not a vet it’s not worth it. To this day I'm told, “You realize there’s no money in it right?” Yeah I do, thanks. While I’m not naïve, and I realize that money can in fact buy a bit of happiness. I do feel that it’s not the most important thing, and if you do I’m quite certain you'll never be fully happy. With the ‘money matters most’ attitude no matter how much you make, it will never be enough. 

Lately some people have been asking, "what are your plans when you're done school/what are you goals in life/how much will you make when you're done" etc. Now to be completely honest I think the people grilling me like this feel their path is monumentally more important than mine. Which makes me laugh. I mean this is the type of person who feels they need to list all their accomplishments to me within the first 5 minutes I've met them. Believe me, no one cares that much, and dominating the conversation while trying to belittle others is not a good way to make friends. All I have to say is be careful. There's this thing called modesty that a lot of others possess, and you may in fact be making a fool of yourself by preaching to someone who knows better.

Point is, people need to stop judging those with different ideas/goals than their own. Money and status are not everything. I'm by no means a hippie, but money hungry status climbers make me nauseous. It just seems we're so quick to find differences in each other, or to prove that we're better or right. When in reality none of that shit even matters if you're not happy. 

So let me answer those questions that some people so desperately need answered in order to categorize me. 

1) What are your plans when you're done school?

- Get a job helping animals and the environment in a way that I feel will make a difference for both myself and future mini me's. Yes I do realize the government is making cuts in those areas, but I also know that with the right combination of confidence, education, and passion it's possible to get paid doing what I love. 

2) What are your goals in life?

- To stay happy and healthy

3) How much will you make when you're done?

- Probably not much, but definitely more than I need to get by. 

So go ahead and place me in whatever category is necessary to make you feel better about yourself, but know this. I am happy right now. I have an incredible guy who loves the shit out of me, two super cute fur babies, amazing friends, and the most recent addition: an incredible job. I spend my days doing something I truly love. Let's be honest, if you know me at all then you realize I kind of like animals better than people. There are a few human exceptions, but I assure you they are few and far between. Obviously this means that a summer filled with animals, especially baby ones, is pretty much my dream. Dream fulfilled. I've been lucky enough to spend my summer helping raise and release some awesome wildlife. So to lighten the mood after my mini rant  here are a few of the reasons my summer has been so great! 

                            Squirrel Burrito :)

Hugs!

Bebe Fox!

Ready to head out!

                                 My lil bunny

Hangin' out

Too cute for words

Disclaimer: No animals were harmed in the making of this blog. Despite the cages they are in fact getting ready to head back out where they belong. 

Jessica

Sexy Summer Bod?

Hey all,


So I'm not sure if you know, but I'm kinda getting old...

This comic is true, literally all my friends are getting married, having kids and *gasp* growing up. Ew. I'm still in school and don't have a real job. I hear when you turn 25 you have to start using anti-aging face creams, worrying about what you eat, and working out like a crazy person. Ugh. Sounds terrible.

I've been lucky so far in keeping my young looks, but last week I didn't get ID'ed at the liquor store.  Seriously, the woman didn't even think twice about it! Gasp, does that mean I look over 17 now?! How sad.


As a result of this depressing realization I have decided to start working out. I bought some weights, a pair of Lulu's and signed myself up for an 8-week workout program. I looked the part, so the rest was bound to be easy right? Not so much, all I have to say is "Dear god, why is working out so damn hard?" I am sooo out of shape. No seriously you guys, science tells me humans were built for endurance but if that's the case, I may not be human... It's so bad that I am forced to work out in my living room to avoid the embarrassment of my terrible ability to do ANY kind of work out.


Of course I am with the most athletic guy I have ever met. Run to the other end of the city? Bang out a few back flips? Continue with some bboy sets? No problem, he's all over that shit. I give myself 2 weeks to be at the same level. Should be a cinch!




JESSICA

My Top 3

Hey all,

So I rarely feel the need to write about serious things but am feeling inspired as things around me are changing at a rapid pace. I wanted to explore what got me to where I am, so I've decided to put together a top three life changing moments. There is gonna be a fair amount of sap in these next few paragraphs so if you are allergic to mushy feelings and nice things, click the back button now. Otherwise sit back and get to know me a bit more.

1) Car accident the summer of 2006.

Yup I was sitting right there on the passenger side. Lucky me, huh? I won't get into all the gory details of the injuries sustained, but lets just say I was broken. I don't actually remember the accident or even the next week or so, but the experience still had a major effect on my life. To this day I have problems with my knees, my hand, my lungs, and have major anxiety when driving in a car. The fact that it happened still makes me angry sometimes. I get mad when I think about the fact that I have been using my knee brace increasingly more often, and will most likely develop arthritis far before I should. I hate the fact that I haven't been able to drive a car once since I moved to Montreal and that I am the worst passenger in the world because of my anxiety. I hate that I have scars that won't go away. I hate that I don't have proper turnout in dance class because of the rods in my leg. And I fucking hate that I cant open a stupid jar of salsa.


There are lots of things that suck about that moment in my life, but I also think it's the main reason I am where I am today. It was this shitty circumstance that allowed me to move to Halifax with my best friend and have the best summer of my life! It was that summer that I met the most important person in my life today. Which leads me to number 2...

2) Meeting the love of my life

Now let me set the stage for some serious romance here...


There I was on the outskirts of the sticky nightclub dance floor, strobe lights flashing, smoke machines blowing, empty shot glasses to my right, and a new JT track pumping from the speakers. Suddenly I spot him, a brown haired hottie dancing with a bunch of girls. Girls I obviously felt did not deserve his attention seeing as I approached with this gem of a pick up line, "So I was just wondering when you were gonna dance with me?". God I was smooth, who could resist such a beautiful pick up line? Obviously not this guy. From what I'm told the night was just a blur of romance, deep conversation, and love at first sight. Or dance floor groping, make out sessions, and him buying my friend and I water without vodka. Same thing...


Okay so maybe the first meeting was a little more Jersey Shore than The Notebook, but since then its been all love and kittens. Honestly though, I couldn't be more lucky. This guy treats me like a princess and loves me in a way I only thought possible in the movies. I didn't know there were actually people as nice as this guy. I would never use the word perfect, because let's face it there really is no such thing. But damn does he come close! And those dimples... *Sigh*


I won't go all over the top lovey dovey on you all so I'll stop here.


But good god I love that boy.

3) Moving to Montreal

After a year of long distance I finally made the trek to Montreal to live with that cute boy with the dimples. How cliché eh? Girl meets boy, girl drops life and runs to be with boy. I'll have you know, I finished my degree and then move to be with him. Can you blame me though? Long distance is hard. Like really hard, but we made it work and since I came here things have been even better. Not only has my move to Montreal strengthened my relationship, but it has also changed me as a person. I am definitely not the same person I was 3 years ago when I first came here. I showed up in Montreal a small town girl terrified of everyone who lived here. The first time I went on the metro I was sure I was being followed. Although to this day I still believe that to be true! It was crazy to me that I could walk down the street without stopping to talk to at least three people I know. I never knew what language to speak because no one spoke the same one. I was scared to take the bus, and shopping was a terrible experience with far too many options and a terribly scary amount of people. I was a lost little girl.


Nevertheless I am now proud to say I have grown into a full blown city girl. I can navigate the public transit system like a pro, and now know that it's appropriate to put your headphones on and ignore every single person you pass. However, I am still true to my small town roots and am polite even when I don't need to be. Believe me you're allowed to be rude, sometimes it's even necessary! I mean I still complain about rude people, and pushing on the metro, but sometimes its just survival! Really.


What I like about living in Montreal is the culture. Let's be honest guys, everyone in P.E.I looks the same, and for the most part thats the way everyone likes it. I'm glad I've been able to see a new perspective on life, and really appreciate the way other people live. I've met people here from all over the world, heard countless languages, and have learned to love cuisine I didn't know even existed.


I'll always love P.E.I. The beaches, the seafood, the friendly people, my family, and of course the potatoes. However I am fine without the gossip, the rumours, the cold, and the teeny tiny mall! P.E.I will always be my home and will forever be the place I go to catch a cold, and drink too much. But without Montreal I wouldn't have incredible sushi, an amazing dance scene, and amazing new friends.




Jessica
Remember the name.

I hear they comin for me, because the top is lonely.

Hey Guys!

So I just got back from Tampa where I was living for three months doing things like this:

Making friends with cool guys like this:

And making more amazing friends like this:

*Some important ladiess missing due to lack of photo, but I still love you!

You know when you do something super cool, and you're a little bit like "aw I don't wanna tell people how great it was because I don't wanna brag"? 

Well too bad. Im gonna brag.

I lived in Tampa for three months, not just a little seven day all inclusive. I lived there. I fed Tigers and Lions. I trained Ocelots. I gave Binturongs marshmallow treats. I carried a Cougar. I witnessed a Serval eat his food with his paw.  I got over my fear of birds and spiders (except for ninja spiders). And I made friends with the coolest people in America, while avoiding the douchy-est people in America. 

This summer honestly has made me into a different person. Well maybe not different, but better. I know it sounds crazy, I mean I was always a cool chick, but now I am literally the cool chick. True story. I have come back from this experience funnier, smarter, cooler, and sexier than ever. Or at least that's how I feel. Since I came home I feel on top of the world, literally like nothing else matters because I am most likely the luckiest person alive. And most definitely the happiest person alive.

So many people I have crossed paths with have told me I'm on the wrong path, that I'll never make it doing what I want to do. To those people I have two little words... 

You're Wrong.

I've come a long way from the small town girl who was scared to be alone staying in a relationship because I needed someone, to moving to a new city and staying in a relationship because I love someone. 

I love who I am turning into, and appreciate who I used to be. So as I take my seat at the top make sure all you haters have a good spot and enjoy the view! ;) 

xoxo, Jessie

The Dreaded UDI

Hey all,

So its no secret that I like to throw back 1 or 2 vodka waters every now and then, 8 or 9 if its been a hard week, or on a special occasion. As it was a Saturday night it was most definitely a special occasion which prompted me to amp up my night and make it a very special 10 vodka water night. Yes, 10. Surprisingly enough I made it out unscathed, little to no embarassement, zero fights with the boyfriend, and spent the majority of the evening dancing the night away. All the components of an extremely good night according to this beautifull girl's standards.

At least thats what I thought until I woke up the next day, hopped in the shower and saw this lovely thing on my leg...

Yup, the dreaded UDI. Being that my blog audience is about my age im guessing you all know what a UDI is, but for the rest of you lovelies I offer you this short explanation.

Unidentified Drunken Injury (UDI): A bruise, cut, scratch, or any other physical injury discovered the morning after a night out for which you have no explanation. This lack of explanation is often due to the all too familiar alcohol haze.

Being the control freak that I am I couldn't deal with the fact that I had been completely oblivious to such an aggressive violation of my body. Please spare me the sexual jokes, I am aware of how that sounds...And believe it or not I am not exaggerating! This bruise literally goes from above my ankle all the way up to the top  of my thigh (the picture doesn't quite capture the true horror of it all, just the major damage point).

This lack of explanation was really getting to me so I invoked the talents of my childhood friend Nancy Drew and began my quest for the truth. The size and shape of the most prominent part of the bruise clearly indicated  a circular object had caused this blunt trauma. Its quick and extensive spreading indicated a high impact strike, or multiple traumas (a theory I quickly threw out as there is clearly one single impact point). So now that I was aware of the nature of the injury I replayed the night in my head only to instantly remember being fallen on by an overly drunken lush. Now to be clear, I normally don't throw around this word so casually. Therefore, it must be mentioned that I use this label in response to previous interactions with said female and not solely due to the injury sustained by her ridiculous state. A state in which she finds her self more often than not by the way.

Anyways enough about her this blog is about me, and being that bloggers are known to be intrinsically self-absorbed I'd like to keep it that way. Although I don't normally relate to this specific stereotype, when I am hurt I want people to feel bad for me. That might be a direct contradiction...whatever this its turning into a huge tangent...I apologize.

Getting back on track. I now distinctly remember this girl dancing up on a stage, or a chair, or something lushy like that, and completely wiping out while kicking the back of my leg with her very appropriate huge boots. Obviously I was too busy busting a move with the super sexy guy who was clearly into me, in other words, dancing with my boyfriend, to even notice the pain. And so it was in that moment that the infamous UDI came to be.

Yup, after all that build up and investigation, that's it... I was kicked by a lush with hooker boots.

For those of you worried about my physical well being, although I limped a bit (maybe a slight exaggeration on my part) and it still hurts, it is healing well and I am no longer terrified that I will get a blood clot, or deep vein thrombosis when I fly. Great progress!

xoxo,
Jessie

Jersey Shore, How I love thee...

Hey all!

Hope you all had a great weekend, yay to the first snowstorm! I will hate it in a week so I'm gonna milk this time when I enjoy it...Anyways on to day three:

A Picture of the cast of your favorite TV show:

At first I thought this was a hard one, but then when I thought about it seriously I thought to myself "C'mon Jess! you spend your nights watching MTV reality and there is really one show that is worth it!" 

Jersey Shore. My guilty pleasure. My relief after a full week of schoolwork. How I love thee. 

I would like to take this opportunity to explain why I think Jersey Shore is the shit:

1) I would LOVE to spend a night out in Jersey, or Miami, fist pumping with Vinny to Pauly D's beats (interpret this how you want).

2) I wanna run around in my wife beater while I pre-drink until it is officially "T-shirt tiiiiime" (said in my best Pauly D voice)

3) I need to meet Jenni so I can ask her who did her breasts. They are fabulous, and if you read my last few posts you know I am fixin' to get a pair myself

4) I want to run around in my slippers with Snooki after a night of telling the Situation we are grown women who can stay out and party as long as we want.

5) I would love to get a chance to spin some records with DJ Pauly D. I've got skills and think we would make a great one night team.

6) The other two will just make out with each other in the corner, and that is fine with me. Nice couple though!

7) Last but not least...I enjoy Jersey Shore because Vinny is B-E-A-utiful, and I am super DTS!

So there you have it, Jersey Shore = Best TV show on the air. Hands Down.

xoxo,

Jessie

Day 2: If you don't know, now you know. Bitches.

Hey all,

So about that 30 day challenge thing i said i'd do..... I never promised it would be 30 consecutive days! Anyways I' ve been nipple deep in papers and exams as there are 2 weeks left in the semester, and my immune system decided to take a break. This always happens at the end of November,Oh hello chest cold! right on time as always. Why is it you can always count on the bad things to be on time, while you wait for the good things forever! Anyways you get the point, i'm busy and sick. But i've put together day two, here goes.

Day 2: A picture of you and the person you've been closest with the longest

So I feel as though this was a pretty obvious choice. There are a few friends who I've known for 20+ years (god that makes me feel old) but you can't argue the fact that we have all been closest to our mom's the longest. Not only have I known her for my full 25 years on this earth, but I also spent 9 months in her belly, and I think it's safe to say we knew each other during that time. Sorry to disappoint any of my other friends and relatives, but you really had no chance considering my Mom had a 9 month headstart.

All jokes aside my mother is the best person in the world. Believe me I know. Sure I am biased, but I bet there are at least 4 other people who would agree with me. How many mom's do you know listen to Eminem, and Snoop Dog? I'm sure there are a few, but most of those are the "I try really hard to look cool for my kids" type. My mom listens to this music on the sly. To be honest she will probably kill me for outing her here. So obviously she isn't doing it to be "the cool mom". Everyone hates that mom, ugh. Also my mom doesn't drink, but is ironically a sommelier and knows everything about wine. Which is helpful on the off chance I decide to stray from my usual 9$ depanneur wine.  Theres also all that other sappy, she supports me, and understands me, and really super loves me alot stuff, but I'm sure you dont wanna hear any of that. 

Basically my mom's the shit. If you don't know, now you know....bitches.

Jessie

30 Days Of Truth: Day 1

Hey there,

So as most of you know I am normally a very witty, creative, and sociable person. These days, however, I have had to turn myself into a very serious, left-brained homebody. This transformation was not completely voluntary, well actually that’s a lie. I took it upon myself to return to university and having been there before I knew exactly what to expect. Don’t get me wrong, I love school, but I miss the creative me. Specifically, I miss writing…a lot. And not the kind of writing my science lit class requires (don’t get me started on that). Anyways, the purpose of my little rant is so you can give me some sympathy. I have left you (all seven of you) without an update for far too long, and to be honest I don’t see an opening in my schedule for any real creativity anytime soon. So I have taken to something very cliché, “the 30 days of truth”. I know, I know, how overdone right? Well bare with me, I’ll do my best to insert a bit of originality throughout. So sit back and learn a little about me, I’m more interesting than you think. I promise!

DAY 1: POST A PICTURE OF YOURSELF AND 15 FACTS ABOUT YOU

1) My biggest dream is to live and work outside of Canada. I would like to work with an animal        sanctuary working towards preserving endangered species in the wild. Yeah that’s right, this city girl wants to live in the wild!

2) I admire my boyfriend. He is the most talented, driven, hard-working, loving, and caring person I have ever met. I hope to be half of what he is.

3) I have made more mistakes in my life than I would like to admit. The incidence of these mistakes however, has significantly dropped within the last 2 years (things have really been put into perspective since I’ve moved away from my hometown).

4) I miss my best friend back home every day. Life is not the same without her around.

5) I LOVE to dance. Love love love it :)

6) You know how its super annoying when someone answers the question, “what kind of music do you like?” with “everything”? Well I do that, but it’s true! You’ll find everything from Souls of Mischief to Mozart to Chromeo on my playlist.

7) When no one is home I sing constantly, like so much that sometimes I can see that my cat is even annoyed. Mostly I sing Aretha Franklin, Jan Arden, Melissa Ethridge, and any and all power ballads. Oh and I rap to myself… a lot. I have some seriously good flow.

8) Don’t judge me but…I would really like breast implants. I know most people don’t like them (my boyfriend included) but I have wanted them since I was like 16, and haven’t changed my mind yet. I even find myself researching doctors, and lots of before and after pictures. Hmm maybe that means something else…

9) I am really easily amused, and I love that about myself. Things are always fun! Although I’m aware that sometimes I come across as someone who trys too hard, because Im always laughing….but I can assure you, I really do think everything is that funny!

10) I secretly want to be one of those girls who has hair extensions, always has her makeup done, and is always dressed to the nines. I also know I will never be like that. I have better things to do with those 2 extra hours in the morning…Namely, my boyfriend.

11) Ever since I started noticing the opposite sex I have wanted to date a dancer. Ask any of my friends, I’ve always thought a guy who could dance was the sexiest. This could be the reason the first time I met, and kissed Marc was on a dance floor. I’m a sucker for a guy who can move...

12) I almost died a few years ago. Like spent time in ICU, it’s a waiting game almost died. I still have too many scars, and pain more often than I would like, but I am forever grateful to be here. My life has gotten exponentially better since that day.

13) I have a somewhat secret and deep love for gangster rap music. I listen to it and rap all the time, I know all the lyrics. It puts me in a good mood. I also very much enjoy very dirty sexual lyrics, they amuse me and I also sing them loud and proud. When I’m alone or with a select few people. Quick quiz...who can name this song? "speed bad the clit, leave it black and blue"?....C'mon Kels I know you love that lyric! :p

14) America’s funniest home videos is still the funniest show on TV. I laugh myself to tears everytime I watch it. It’s mean but I cannot NOT laugh when people fall, it’s hilarious. Everytime!

15) I am terrified of driving, but really want a mini cooper. Seems too small to be safe though. Hmmm, I feel like that thought has crossed my mind in the past...


xoxo, 
     Jessie

Ouch, my ego hurts!

Hey guys!

I have a confession to make. A big one. One that made even me stop and think. I, Jessica Ward, am not good at everything. I know, I know its a lot to take in all at once. Ill give you a moment to let it sink in......................
Alright so that's not even the end, not only am I not good at everything, I'm actually REALLY bad at something. Something that I cant really afford to be bad at. Something necessary and needed, especially at this stage of my life. Well *deep breath* here it is...I am bad at math. Like, REALLY bad at math...

I've always known numbers were my downfall, to this day I'm convinced the only reason I passed grade 12 math was because my teacher saw my other grades and decided keeping me back for one class was unfair. I mean, she handed me my report card saying "you owe me one"...  Anyways, I thought I was done with math, that is until I decided to go back to school to get a second degree. A second science degree that involves that beautiful subject math. Not only calculus and stats, but also lots of wonderful chemistry equations! Now I know sarcasm does not always translate well through the written word so let me be clear here. Those nice adjectives i just used to describe math...sarcasm. Hardcore sarcasm

If you think of me as a smart woman (ie if you are my father), stop reading here because it's about to get worse. Okay, so I realized I needed to brush up on some of my math skills and did what any person my age would, looked it up on youtube. I started off with basic calculus tutoring, easy enough right? Grade 12 math is nothing a person with a BSc can't handle. Wrong. I was lost within the 1st two minute introduction. You see where this is going?! I had to go back to basic grade 8 math! I am hanging my head in shame right now. As a university student, a Mcgill university student, I'm supposed to be smart! My ego is still throbbing in pain thinking about sitting in my room watching a basic algebra tutorial so I could do my chemistry assignment.

My brain and numbers are not definitely not on speaking terms. Which leaves me playing referee using the following persuasion techniques:
ME: "c'mon brain, I know math has wronged you in the past but if you can learn to get along it will be very beneficial for you! I guarantee"
BRAIN: "I dunno, I'm still hurt from how he made me feel last time we hung out. Has he changed?"
ME: "No...math will always be the same guy. He stands firm in his ways..."

At which point Math usually interrupts letting my brain know ...
"c'mon baby, you'll love hanging out again! I'm always hard for you AND I'll keep you up all night long!"

Lucky for math my brain responds strongly to mental foreplay and she has decided to give him another go! It all starts tomorrow. Wish us luck, breaking up and getting back together has never really worked for us before...

xoxo Jessie

Transit Etiquette

Hey all,

So Ive been in Montreal for 2 years now, and during this time I have taken my fair share of public transit. In this time I have realized how important "transit etiquette"is. I like to think I have very good transit etiquette, but I wish I could say the same for the most-part of my fellow Montrealers... It would be easy for me to rant about this for the entire afternoon, just ask my poor boyfriend who hears about it everyday (he's actually the one who suggested I write a blog about it. Maybe he's hoping this will get it out of my system for good).

I have decided to narrow down my little vent to a few certain types that really grate on my last nerve. So let's get this started...

1)The lazy bastards: You're sitting there at the front of the bus, and in comes...

a) an elderly person

b) a pregnant woman

c) a person with crutches, knee brace, etc...

Your response? Stare at the floor like you didn't see them so you can continue sitting without looking like a bastard. Don't kid yourself bud, we all saw you look up and quickly look to the floor. I know you saw them, just get your lazy butt up and offer your seat. Sure you may be tired, but it's good for your karma...just get up!

Now I know that it's not always a simple task, and I too am one of the ppl who ask themselves, "is that person really old? is she pregnant, or just a little fat?" I know how touchy of a subject it is, but here is a simple solution...Just get up and stand without saying anything. Better to give your seat up to the chubby chick then to look like the jerk who won't stand for the pregnant lady.

2) The Rosa Parks syndrome: It's 2010 ladies and gentlemen, we are past the days when the front of the bus was reserved. I don't care if your black, white, brown, 4 years old, 7 feet tall, or horizontally challenged, take your butt to the back of the bus!!! You see all those people in line to get on the bus? Yeah those people have somewhere to be too! You parking your inconsiderate ass at the front of the bus so we all have to squeeze past to stand at the back where there's room for at least 10 more people makes me want to throat punch you.

3) The Eager Beavers: Alright

so this is for all of you people standing directly in front of the metro door when it stops. Lets

think about this for a moment. Yes I am fully aware the door stays open for a limited amount of time, but you see all those people inside the metro? They need to get out! Some of us are polite, and would rather not have to push you out of our way just so that we can exit the metro. So to you narcissistic, me first personalities standing in my way when I get out, I am gonna

give you a reason to get out of my way...

The more people that can get off before you get on equals more room for your large ego filled head to find a seat. :)

On a side note, if you are in the metro and everyone behind you is trying to get off, could you kindly step off the metro to make room? I guarantee you that you will be able to get back on before the door shuts. I promise :) If you get locked out I will buy you a consolation cookie and wipe your tears. Also, check out the picture I have provided! Those lovely people at the STM have decided enough is enough and have kindly provided you with bright yellow directions. Please use them.

Although there are many more things I could say about my public transit experiences I feel I have provided the basics of transit etiquette. Use these helpful tips and your fellow travellers will no doubt be less aggravated and therefore nicer to you. Public transit saves the environment, so lets all stand up, move to the back, and get out of the way all in the name of monther earth. Oh and my sanity.

xoxo Jessie

Cashing In On The Goods

Hey there,

So for those of you who don’t know I have a slightly new job these days. Its extremely glamorous, high end, and Im pretty sure ill be famous for it soon. I am a Fit Model. Yeah you heard me right, a MODEL. Take that ugly jr high and high school years, in your face!

Okay reality check. The title may be a bit misleading. A fit model doesn’t actually walk the runway or get to be the face of a company. She is more like a human mannequin, which ironically is the french word for model (im reaching I know). Basically I have the body measurements of a “perfect” small, and therefore they use my body to fit clothing to the body. I use the word perfect very lightly here for the simple fact that they only let me fit for tops. Ive been told Im too bootylicious for them (I will forever love beyonce for making that word available to me). I am constantly hearing “oui mais elle est plus forte aux hanches” or “n’oublie pas qu’elle a un pouce de plus!”. Although this appears to be my main “flaw” (ive inserted sarcastic quotations, as I believe it is an asset…no pun intended) it is far from the only. Depending on who I am fitting with I can hear a large range of things from “but doesn’t she have a tiny waist? I heard she’s a small small” or “didn’t you know she has a high apex”. (Fun fact: Your apex is the length from your shoulder to your nipple) and even “Yes but shes a dancer so she stands like this” at which point someone will often get into an awkward first position. It’s super amusing. I really enjoy the people I work with. I know that sounds sarcastic, but its actually not.

In retrospect all of this kind of reminds me of my life in jr highwhen I used to hear things like, “Jess’ pants are too tight did you see how much her butt sicks out, ew” or “I bet she doesn’t even eat, look how skinny she is!” and my all time favorite “yeah she might have a nice bum, but where are her boobs?!” But to be honest I take it all with a grain of salt, I mean if the worse they have to say is that my bum is too round and my boobs are too high….Im not complaining! Whats small doesn’t fall right!

All kidding aside, I was always told I had a body that could make me some cash, and when the stripping didn’t work out I thought they were wrong…But look at me now, cashing in on the good once again, and this time its legit! ;)

xoxo, Jessie

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Hey there,

Okay, so very few things surprise me, but I have to say I was much more than surprised on my most recent trip home. I'm sure some of you are familiar with the saying "People change so we can learn to let go". Well this became more like the words of a prophet than a quote I once heard from Marilyn Monroe after my vacation.

You know those few people, or more for those of us who are naive, that come into your life and at the time you think, "I hope I can be lucky enough to keep this person in my life forever". You know, those times when you start up a relationship (love or friendship) and you just click? Yeah, well I have had quite a few people I felt this with, and needless to say I no longer keep in touch with the most of them. There has always been that "one that got away" for me. I think most of us have that. For me it wasn't a missed connection per say. I had a meaningful relationship with this person, but for reasons that I don't fully understand, we lost touch. Since then I have thought about them on occasion, and hoped to get back in touch. That is until recently...

Have you ever gotten an update on someone you haven't seen or heard from in awhile and almost fainted at how outrageous it all sounded? Like I mean, pinch me to convince me this is real, are we talking about the same person type outrageous. Well folks...I have, and let me tell you it's an interesting experience. I pretty much went through a three step procedure of processing the information. 1st I thought to myself "what happened to the person I knew?" Then I moved on to, "Oh no, was this person always this crazy, and I just an idiot who didn't notice." And finally..."thank God I didn't invest anymore undue time in this person".

Its scary to know that even though you may think you know someone inside out, you may not actually know them at all. I had fun and don't necessarily regret what I had with this person, but I'm glad I got out when I did. Its obvious to me that the more things change the more they stay the same.

If I could offer some advice I just really wanna say...you can surround yourself with new people and new experiences but if you don't change how you treat the ones you say you love you'll continue making the same idiotic mistakes. You can only disappoint those who love you so many times before they run in the other direction. Grow up, realize you're better than your actions right now, and smarten the fuck up before you lose those you love, and more importantly, yourself in your selfish games.

xoxo Jess

I like to roll with hot chicks

Hey there,

So after being in the city for 3 months now I expected to be nothing less than a celebrity. Not so much. Any of you who have moved away from home and all your friends will agree when I say, making new friends in a new city after the age of 20 is NOT easy.

I've come up with what I feel is a pretty accurate depiction of how the process tends to unfold. Okay so take yourself back to your 6 year old self. You're just starting school, all new people, and a completely different atmosphere. You see another kid; you think they have a cool shirt or toy and you say to them "Hey, cool (insert impressive belong here) wanna play?" At 6 years old you have a 98% chance the other kid is gonna say "yeah!". And a 2% chance they'll say "mine!" and proceed to hit you and run away. Its that simple.

Fast forward 18ish years, same thought process different actions and outcome. I have noticed since Ive moved here that I have that same young mentality. It starts out the same, I see someone with a cool shirt or a sick pair of kicks and I think to myself "nice style, I bet shes a cool chick". Of course it's not always about the clothing (Im not that superficial) but it's the 1st thing I notice. Plus I wont lie, I like to roll with hot chicks. Anyways be it their style, or through a short exchange I find them cool. On the prowl for a new crew I find myself always thinking "this is exactly the type of person I want to be friends with!" The difference between myself now and when I was 6 is that those previous quoted statements would never come out of my mouth. Lets be honest, I would sound like a lesbian or at the very least desperate.

The more I think about it finding a new group of friends is kind of like dating except harder. If I wanted to pick these girls up I would say those previously mentioned lines and it would be acceptable. When all you want is someone to party with the lines are not clearly drawn, and I have no idea what im doing!

Its not like Im picky...I just want some hot girls who have great style, can dance and like to party. This is Montreal, it cant be too hard! Guess my PEI friends just set the bar too high ;)

xoxo
Jessica

The Restaurant Business

Hey there,

Alright so although my Wii skills have reached unparalleled levels I have realized that along with there being no money in the game, there is a very good chance I will get fat from sitting on the couch all day. Whoever thought that the Wii could be marketed as a video game that will help you get exercise was on crack. Needless to say with a body like mine I cant afford a risk so high as weight gain. Montreal is where the beautiful people live and goddammit I plan to fit in!

Although my sexual appetite combined with a long distance boyfriend was the main reason for my relocation there was also the need for change. Keeping that in mind I recently set out to find a job. Lets all take some time to realize that its been 7 years since i've applied slash interviewed for a job. And when I say I interviewed for a job I mean I walked in was told "your mom is the greatest" and started that week. I realized quite early on that finding a job in this city wouldn't be quite so easy. Luckily for me however I have all the ingredients to ace any interview. Rhianna level looks, Kate Hudson's personality and most obviously, Kanye West's confidence ;)

Sporting my best "I can be professional AND sexy at the same time" look I set off in search for the most perfect job. I told myself, "start small and build up your confidence so you can land your dream job". Unfortunatly for me my electrifying personality worked against me in this quest. I got the first job I walked into and they wanted me to start that night. I know Im charming but really?! Let that be a lesson to all you captivating personalities out there. Lower the greatness when the stakes are low or you may end up working at...wait, can I publicly slander a place on here? Hmm I dont think Ill risk it, lets just call it CP. Yes its a restaurant, HUGE change right? Dont judge.

While Im on the subject of bad restaurants I want to take a second to do something I didnt think I would ever do. Murphys Investments on Prince Edward Island runs the best restaurants in the business. I would like to credit them, along with my favorite boss of all time, Hoss, for ruining me in this business. I cant settle for anything less now! And my experiences here only prove that. This was the most unorganized, unprofessional and unfriendly restaurant I have ever entered! I will fully admit there were times at ESM that I thought I may go crazy, but now I just realize I was spoiled because things were always so damn fun. At least when it was busy I had a great staff around me to help out, or when it was slow I had one to laugh with. But at this place, NO PERSONALITY. I felt like I was working with multiple clones of Keanu Reeves. Minus one cool chick from France and a dude who I talked to about my BSc who was from turkey. Props for being able to stay cool in that environment, I couldnt do it, it was lowering my cool quota.

The boss at this place was the typical french creep. Tight v-neck T-shirts showing his chest hair, tight black work pants big shoes and a cigarette in mouth at all times. Big change from the boss Im used to; short, perfectly coiffed hair, the most amazing yellow pants, form fitting shirt showing an appropriate amount of chest hair, and always perfectly matching shoes ;) I need Hoss to move here so I can have an appropriate boss again. the restaurant business officially has no appeal to me anymore. ESM and staff, thanks for ruining it for me.

Needless to say I ran out of that place like a blue streak...I think they realized they arent seeing me around again. Too bad. Guess Ill be their "one that got away"

xoxo Jess

Clubbing in Montreal

Hey there,

Okay so after countless hours of hiding out in my half furnished apartment I finally ventured into the unknown underground known to those here as the Metro. It was inevitable that I would have to go it alone one day so when my sister called with an offer of vodka, dancing, cute boys and overall fun I decided it was time to take the plunge. With the help of my super patient boyfriend, who Im pretty sure is starting to realize just how small town I am, I was on my way.

The metro ride from my place to hers not only seemed to take as long as my best friend does to get ready but it also involved two line changes. Line changes only mean one thing to a recovering puck bunny such as myself, and since it isn't hockey season yet you can imagine how confused I was. After two wrong turns and some bad judgement of balance resulting in an awkward embrace with a random I arrived at her place.

After a few pre drinks and alot of french conversation that I caught half of we were off. After being told that we were meeting up with her boyfriends friends I put myself in unavailable mode. After being told his friends consisted of an entire football team, I changed my clothes and put myself in, you can look but you cant touch mode. Seemed like my best "respect the boyfriend and still have fun" choice. Come on girls, even if you are taken you know you still like the thought of a cute boy, especially the football player type, checking out your tight end ;)

Clubs here are nothing like they are at home. I noticed this as soon as we walked up to the door. there were two seperate lineups. After running through a few scenes of entourage in my head I concluded that they must be the "beautiful" and the, for lack of a better term, "unfortunate" line. I followed my sister confident she would lead me to the beautiful line only to find out it is actually guest list and non guest list. Somehow I was on guest list although I still dont see the perk since both lines were just as long and I didnt get any free drinks out of it. As far as Im concerned its a hoax.

Inside it was like most clubs aside from one thing. The girls around here wear exceptionally less clothing than they do on PEI. Im sure many of you ladies would be taken aback by this but I was pumped. Just gives me even more reason to keep hitting the gym so I can flaunt this cute little booty in even less clothing. Id like to once again thank the french for their ever lenient ways. Short skirts, fake eyelashes and ridiculously high heels here I come!

xoxo Jess

PS The other day a random dude on the road told me I was hot. It made me feel great. Does that make me a bad person? ;p

And So It Begins...

Hi All,
So I decided to follow in the footsteps of my fellow PEI escapee Keely and start a blog for all you beautiful people. Its been frustrating to not have a phone set up and no internet (unless of course you buy a latte and then sit at the coffee shop for 2 hours as I have tonight).

Im going to be perfectly hontest. Montreal is slightly terrifying. I have no idea why there are so many people on the streets 7 days a week. What do these people have to do all the time? My way of life will have to change from, as Rhianna would say, 0 to 60 in 3.5. I have to say im doing very well...How urban am I sitting in a coffee shop alone with my latte and laptop? Very hip. Work needs to be done on the fashion front however as I feel like the paper bag princess among all these beautiful, super trendy people...Note to self: Shop. Soon... I do however still give myself about 20 cool points at this exact moment because I look like ive been writing a novel since ive been here so long. And everyone knows your not a real writer unless someone sees you writing...Anyone catch that family guy reference? hah. Either that or I look like I have no life...ahh

It may seem to you all that I am slacking as I have yet to get a job, but the truth is...I am training to become a professional Wii player... In the past I have sat by and watched others play nintendo. But I have found my calling and am in the process of perfecting my craft. Paper Mario is my specialty, although my real challenge is Trauma Centre. Its a surgery game, I told you Id be a doctor someday Dad! Dont judge. I have a backup plan but it involves less clothing and when I mentioned the idea to my boyfriend he gave me a look that I think meant "Thats not funny." I wasnt trying to make him laugh...

I have much more to share, but have to get out of this coffee shop before I get kicked out...aLthough I think its 24 hours...
Stay tuned till next time for exciting stories about Ikea (I know you all wish you could shop there) and convincing the boyfriend to buy a puppy :)

xoxo Jessie

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